It’s been a quiet weekend. Yesterday was all about various shades of grumpiness, today has been mostly about just checking in with myself and making sure I’m still riding the uplift I got from my trip to the States. While I’m not mire in the dark and despondent terrain I found myself in at the tail end of last year I’m still awaiting the next assessment for therapy that was deemed necessary after the initial meetings. So I’m still trying to find my way through this stuff with a combination of the support of friends and my own mettle.
Things are what they are. I’m not bitching about the delay in therapy and I’m certainly not one to downplay the importance of my friends. I’ve been back a month now and have kept myself occupied enough to continue benefitting from time spent with wonderful people, from lovely late winter weather, from awesome sights and from an indulgent diet (for me) which somehow rendered my blood pressure near perfect.
The greatest benefit of my last therapy a few years back was the rediscovery of an ability to make long term plans, to take on bigger challenges. I’ve done a handful of gigs since then, climbed aboard planes when I had reached a state of near phobia about ever doing so again, and more often allow myself to look ahead and aim at such adventures without immediately telling myself there’s no point even hoping it can happen because my health will get in the way.
It’s not that my health has improved in the intervening years. If anything it is slightly worse now but it is still characteristically a state of super bad periods interspersed with usually longer, more stable periods. I now take more risks in terms of banking on the stable periods coinciding with my forward plans. I want to live, not slowly die in an ever diminishing, solitary hell.
When I was young living for the moment and seeking adventures were very much my thing. I didn’t appreciate that I was able to experience life in such a way and some of the risks I took, some of the ways I behaved now strike me as key factors in the relatively early impact of my respiratory condition. Being unable to change the past I have to accept it and forgive myself for the dumbest decisions. It is by some miracle that I’m still here, still able to satisfy the wanderlust in my soul, albeit with a great deal more caution these days.
There are important things I still seek. When I find them I may no longer feel the need to talk to myself in blog format.