When in doubt, stop. This is the motto by which I have lived today. An excess of tiredness and the return of last week’s relentless cough scuppered plans I’d had to attend the latest fund raising musical extravaganza in memory of dear old Mick Voo.
For a while the cancellation of this plan angered me, something I didn’t notice until I was doing some household chores and every little problem – a whole roll of bin bags are not sealed at the bottom rendering them fucking useless wastes of oil and plastic; cut myself on an eating knife in the washing up bowl; etc – raised my irritation levels until I could ignore my anger no longer.
And I was smart enough to realise that on a different day such minor details wouldn’t bug me in the same way so I was projecting something else onto them. Yup, frustration, fear and definitely anger that I’ve had to cancel plans because of health stuff.
So I took a while to remind myself of how many of my plans over the last eighteen months have not needed to be cancelled, including some massive ones which could have caused me to throw a lot of money down the pan if they had needed cancelling. It’s how it is with a chronic illness but the positives of this past year and a half far outweighs the negatives.
Once I’d reconnected with myself in this way I accepted that I couldn’t do what I had wanted to do so need to decide what I was going to do with the day. Turns out what I was going to do was a few more chores, make a massive curry, drink lemonade, eat cookies and sit down watching The Force Awakens for maybe the tenth time. Yeah, I know it only came out at Christmas 2015 but I’m a nerd. Yesterday I watched Rogue One which I’d bought along with my groceries at the supermarket. Saturday I am going to go full fanboy for the opening episode of the brand new season of Doctor Who. Nerd. And proud of it.
And a lot calmer than I was earlier.