Under A Weary Life

IMG_2700Wishing my bank balance and I could go back in time a few months because then I’d be anticipating a wonderful fortnight in Ohio-ville. What am I currently anticipating? Dental treatment, the prospect of sleeping a lot every day until the fucking antibiotics I’m on stop cunting my body and mind about, therapy sessions that currently only serve to amplify what a pointless, fucked up human being and waste of oxygen I am.

I am allowed to use the cunt word and to be super miserable in my blog. Nobody fucking reads it. Nobody listens to my music, nobody reads my blog: the two key areas of self-identity for me, music and writing, are of zero relevance to others in the world. Ordinarily I don’t care that much as I get most of my enjoyment from making the music and doing the writing but it strikes me that my sense of self must be entirely out of touch with how the rest of the world sees if there are so few hits on the commodified results of my creative process.

And it’s a short walk from that realisation to wondering what else I’m wrong about in terms of my self-image. Maybe my notion that I’m not a complete bastard is wrong? Maybe my hope that I am a compassionate, worthwhile member of my society is wrong? Maybe I’m a self-obsessed fucktard who does nothing anyone yet still expects the world to owe him something?

Ah the fragile ego of the pointless. Oh the tragic irony of bleating on about it in a blog nobody reads. I’m sick of being me and I’m mostly sick of life. Please remember not to dance too hard on my grave, it’s the best chance of restful sleep I’m ever likely to get. Unless I go straight to hell.

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This entry was posted in Blogging, creativity, Life, Literature, Music, Philosophy, Poetry, Religion, Writing and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Under A Weary Life

  1. mbelsten says:

    I read it. And I’m glad I did. And I often feel the exact same way… sending hope. x

    Like

  2. angharadeyre says:

    I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. I was going to say that the world at the moment doesn’t help, but then I read your most recent post! I also wanted to say though (if I haven’t already) how much I enjoyed your novel From the Top – especially the happy ending. I’m not that up on music, but I will check yours out, partly because I have fond memories of a gig you did at Exeter uni one time – I seem to remember protest songs? Probably against Blair and Iraq? My memory is probably not accurate… Can’t believe it was so long ago.

    Liked by 1 person

    • planet says:

      Your memory is spot on, I’ve never felt so ashamed of the Labour Party as when Blair led us into war in Iraq. Thank you so much for these words, I’m struggling but my fiends are the biggest help I know, whether they be next door or far away. I’m sure that gig was only last year 😉 x

      Liked by 1 person

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