Oh. Today’s lesson in being a human with health stuff seems to be listen more closely to the messages your body sends. When I woke my body was quietly but quite persistently telling me I’ve done a shit load of moving around this week and that I ought to stick close to bed for a day and allow some recuperation to happen.
The rarity of there being beautiful sunshine on a bank holiday weekend spoke in other tones, however. “Look how chilled and lovely and relaxing the world is when there is sun” it whispered. “Vitamin sun will do you the world of good” it continued.
Sunshine is a liar. It took me twenty minutes to amble my way up an incline which ordinarily takes me ten and by the time I reached the summit and thus entered town proper I felt like I was about to die. All my anxieties about this not just being my lung stuff but something more immediately fatal, like cancer, swam around my mind as I found a shady spot on the flat in which to try and regain my breath.
Anxiety is a liar too but when you can’t breathe, you’re in muscular agony and your heart rate rivals an express train anxiety sounds sage and portentous. Fuck off anxiety, fuck of bronchiectasis. Don’t fuck off sunshine. I simply needed to recognise that sitting in my yard with the rays hitting my face would have been a much smarter plan for today. I am dumb.