Monthly Archives: October 2018

All Bollocks E’en

I don’t like Halloween. So there. You can shove your costumes up your bum. You can keep your horror movies and you can’t have any of my candy. If you’re apple bobbing I hope you get ten gallons of manky … Continue reading

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Mr Mirror In The Happy Universe

Puffa puffa puffa. The sound of my stupid lungs when I force them to walk with me across the road to the shop. Puffa puffa puffa. The steam train in pain noise that makes students back away from me in … Continue reading

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Mr Happy In The Mirror Universe

When I was a young man, fuzzy-chinned and pimple-nosed, my feelings about the universe were that it was an exciting, wondrous place filled with endless possibilities. I sought adventure and I sought happiness. The former I found in abundance but … Continue reading

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Is It Like Today?

Don’t forget to throw your clock out of the window tonight. If you don’t have clocks or windows then well done, you’re already two steps ahead of the rest of the human creatures when it comes to preparing for the … Continue reading

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I’m Not Bart Simpson, Who The Hell Aren’t You?

Yesterday I managed to do a thing I haven’t been able to manage for weeks. I walked my stupid body into town and I walked it stupid back again. And in between I did coffee. You might have guessed that … Continue reading

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#9 Coffee

Do you know any humans? Awful aren’t they? They think skinny latte is important and have beards. Except the ones without beards who don’t like skinny latte. They’re awful too. Yes, even your sister. Well, I like some humans. The … Continue reading

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Do Me A Favour

I’ve got the painters and decorators in. No really. Some wall needs filling and touching up but apparently my interpretation of the term ‘touching up’ belongs in a Carry On film and I ought to be ashamed of myself. At … Continue reading

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Don’t Trust Whitey

I would say I feel fatigued but there isn’t an ounce of fat on me. Does this make me thinigued? Probably but your spellchecker won’t like it. Last night was the first night in ages I managed to be asleep … Continue reading

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Excuses, Excuses

The arguments I used to have with the mother of my first child were more distressing, powerful and frightening than pretty much any others I’ve had in my life. Neither one of us was especially adept in the art of … Continue reading

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In Memoriam

I was not well enough to attend my father’s funeral today. I’m sure I could have coped with the service and wake but travelling almost two hundred miles each way is totally beyond me at present. The fact that I … Continue reading

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