Author Archives: planet

I’m An Achiever

I thought loaves of bread were stupid fairy tales, And that wholemeal Will Self was not for me. Loaves were out to get me, They slapped my face and screamed, Dizzy Pointless Osman in my dreams. Then I did a … Continue reading

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Snow Is A Wanker. We Know This.

Monday has limped in like a drunken three-legged gazelle with gout. It’s by far from being in the reckoning to become one of my favourite Mondays ever. It’s not the worst – that Monday when I accidentally decapitated myself with … Continue reading

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Can It Be Springtime Now Please?

Well this is wrong. 53.4% of us voted for no more snow ever. Only 46.6% voted for more snow. The will of the people is clear, no more snow ever. The NoSnows won, get over it. But you can’t get … Continue reading

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Do The Barthes, Man

Observation: the UK and the USA are currently governed by figures who clearly don’t give a flying fuck about the lives of the citizens they are meant to represent yet the majority of those citizens seem content to lie back … Continue reading

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Splunky Brewster

The outside world is a place of outsideyness, untamed shop windows and feral pavements. I was attacked by a homity pie so I shot it, ate its face off and mounted its anus on my trophy wall. I am the … Continue reading

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I Am Not A Beautiful And Unique Snowflake

A week ago I was arriving in London for my mini adventures in friendship and photography. Physically I’m still recovering from the exertion, emotionally I’m still trying to make sense of the complexity of reactions my time in the capital … Continue reading

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Death Race 2018

Remember 2016, the year of devastation during which celebrities lived in constant fear that they’d be next on the Grim Reaper’s hit list? Well, it’s back. Except of course that it isn’t because time can only move forwards. Or can … Continue reading

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